“PRIVATE CHUCK-BOB!”
“Sir . . . I . . .huuuurrrk.”
“Private Chuck-Bob, pull yourself together, son.”
“Sir, travel, it . . . oh no . . . huuuuurrk.”
“Private Chuck-Bob, that’s disgusting.”
“Yes sir. I know sir. I . . . I . . . I’m trying to hold it together sir . . . oh . . . oh . . . no . . . no . . . I’m okay, sir. No . . . I . . . oh . . . no . . . huuuuurk.”
“Private Chuck-Bob, We. Do. Not. Have. Time. For. This. Do you read me Private Chuck-Bob?”
“Yes, sir . . . I think I’m almost empty sir. I . . . that landing sir . . . it just . . . oh no . . . no . . . Oh, I’m ok sir. For real this time. Sir.”
“That’s more like it, Private Chuck-Bob. Now, we require ground transportation. We require a map and information. We need to scope out the port. We must capture the offending chicken in this moment, Private Chuck-Bob. In this moment.”
“Yes sir, I’ll go find us some ground transportation, sir.”
“Excellent, now you’re showing initiative, Private Chuck-Bob. Do you know the world is built on initiative?”
“Yes, sir, you’ve mentioned that, sir.”
“Why when I was your age . . . “
“Sir?”
“Yes, Private Chuck-Bob?”
“Should we make a plan for meeting after I get the ground transportation?”
“What? Oh, yes, yes, I was coming to that.”
“Of course, Sir.”
“Now, while you’re securing ground transportation, I will procure a map. I will then meet you at departure gate . . . um, lets say, arrival gate 3.”
“Are you sure there’s a departure gate 3 sir?”
“What? Oh, yes, of course, well. Of course there will be an arrival gate 3, Private Chuck-Bob, why just look at this graphical interface here . . . “
“You mean this here map?”
“Yes, Private Chuck-Bob, this map will show . . . um . . . will show . . .
“Sir?”
“New plan, Private Chuck-Bob, we will meet at . I seem to have underestimated the size and scale of this airport, it doesn’t appear to be large enough for three arrival pickup zones. We will meet up at the arrival pickup zone marked . . . here.”
“Uh Sir?”
“Yes, Private Chuck-Bob?”
“Sir, do you think it’s a good idea to mark this map with a Sharpie? Sir?”
“By gum, you’re right Private Chuck-Bob! Anyone could use this information to follow our movements. I will immediately scrub . . . it . . . hmm . . . it doesn’t seem to be coming off. I’m afraid I’ve compromised our position, Private Chuck-Bob. We must now enter into security mode Alpha.”
“Sir? Security Mode Alpha?”
“Don’t ask questions now, Private Chuck-Bob. Just walk away quickly, but not too quickly. Stay close, but don’t appear to be walking with me. That’s it. Now, Private Chuck-Bob, you go secure ground transportation, I’ll procure a map, and we’ll rendezvous at the arrival gate. But Private Chuck-Bob-”
“Yes sir?”
“Don’t assume it’s me when you see me arrive.”
“Uh, what? Sir? Who else would you be?”
“Recall, Private Chuck-Bob, we’ve encountered forces on this mission that defy explanation, that defy reality. You may encounter an individual who looks like me, but isn’t really me.”
“I see sir. So how will I know it’s you? Sir?”
“We’ll use a top secret code word or phrase.
“Oh, wow, sir, that’s brilliant, sir. What will it be?”
“It will be . . . it will be . . . the eagle has landed.”
“Wow, sir. You’re really good at this sir.”
“Of course I am, Private Chuck-Bob. Of course I am. No, go secure that ground transportation.”
“Yes, sir!”
Later
“Ok, I have a cab, we’re at the arrival area, I know the code phrase. There comes someone who looks very much like the Colonel. He’s holding what appears to be a map . . . Over there driver, pull in there.”
“Private Chuck-Bob! Well done, son. Well done. If you’ll just take this bag, for me I’ll . . . What’s wrong Private Chuck-Bob?”
“What, sir, is the secret pass phrase?”
“Ah, my good boy, well done Private Chuck-Bob. Well, done. You just about let me in the car without checking my true identity first. Well done. If I had been a double agent, I could have easily overpowered you in the small confines of this cab. Rest assured, you’ve done your duty to the utmost, and that won’t be forgotten. Now, if you’ll just get this bag and put it in the trunk . . .”
“Sir.”
“Yes Private Chuck-Bob?”
“What, sir, is the secret pass phrase?”
“Ah. Yes. The secret pass phrase. Good on you son. Good on you. Now, let’s see. The pass phrase . . . pass phrase . . . something to do with a bird, I think . . . Let’s see . . . hmm . . .
“Sir? I’m thinking maybe you’re not really you, sir.”
“Ah. Yes, well, I can assure you I am me. We’re on our way to capture the world’s most devious criminal at the port. And we’re losing time. I’ll get the pass phrase on the way. It’ll come back to me. Look, I have a map, and we can get to where we’re . . .”
“Sir. Not good enough. Sir. I would be remiss in my security duties to let you into this cab until you’ve given the secret pass phrase. Sir.”
“Now see here, Private Chuck-Bob. I am quite obviously, your Colonel. Slide aside this minute and allow me to enter this cab.”
“I’m sorry sir. Not without the pass-phrase.”
“Good gosh darn it! Private Chuck-Bob, who else would I be?”
“You said it yourself, sir, you could be anyone.”
“But I’m not! Private Chuck-Bob. Move aside, that’s an order.”
“I’m sorry, sir. I will not obey orders unless I’m certain they are coming from my actual Colonel.”
“Private Chuck-Bob! Oh, drat. What was that pass phrase?!”
“I can’t tell you that sir.”
“I know that Private Chuck-Bob. But I think I was on the right track a moment ago. It has to do with a bird, doesn’t it?”
“Maybe it does, sir. Maybe not.”
“It does, I know it does. Let’s see, a bird, why, there’s only one most important bird – the glorious representative of our exceptional nation – the bald eagle. That’s it! The bald eagle it, it um, it lands at midnight!”
“That’s not it. Sir.”
“But it’s close, isn’t it, Private Chuck-Bob, I can see it in your face. I know you too well. The bald eagle has landed.”
“Um, not quite, sir. The Bald eagle has landed?”
“Quite so, not the bald eagle. Just the eagle. The eagle has landed!”
“Right! Sir! I’m so glad you got that, hop in.”
“Thank you Private Chuck-Bob.”
“No problem, Sir. No problem.”
“Driver!”
“Yes?”
“Do you speak English, Driver?”
“Yes, little English.”
“Very good, my man, very good. Now, driver, can you take us to the shipping port?”
“Yes, can do.”
“You don’t need to salute, Driver. You’re not a member of our august military.”
“Yes. Okay, no salute. Just – nice suit. Okay.”
“Yes, Driver, this is the official uniform of the United States Army. And I wear it with pride. You are performing for the United States an important function. A critical function, Driver. Now, to the port, with all haste!”
The Continuing Adventures of Crimson Hen 